Breathe. The deep, full down to your belly breath- happened to me this week. A torrent of early mornings, late nights, lightning of heart and work and Satan’s full force the breaths for weeks have been shallow.
You have been in this place.
The place where every professing believer does not want to admit they spend any time.
The dark skies are rolling over my blue ridge home now, lightning’ making its presence known, striking in the distance. Thunder close to follow and the ominous wind that comes with an indian summer storm. Perhaps its my native american roots but the weather never ceases to remind me of the greater state of things, the ordained state of things that is.
The wind as it blows open my door and across my face reminds me of change that is coming. Thank my kind gracious Father for change. This indian summer is exiting and we are entering the season that my soul feels most home in The harvest, the golden yellows and rich reds how can you not love autumn? You have not had my mother’s pumpkin pie or had that extra cup of cinnamon spice coffee.
Storm clouds have veiled my ransomed heart the past few months and most recently the past weeks. I am learning that emotional pain is real. Real as the fire of a hot burner or bleeding wound, only much less valor. Often stuck behind a torrent of raining words- its easier to just not say anything. To live masked is for a person who is for better or worse hopelessly transparent was all the more pain. Satan knew how to trap me in my weakness, he also knows you.
He knows its easier to keep quiet, to not be ” messy”, to simply cry alone- to tell you and others that your tears don’t have merit.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.
Combat the lies you tell yourself with truth, it is all we have. the Truth.
Grief is a mysterious thing.
After realizing that at a certain point self pity and anger just were not going to work,
My kind Father allowed me a gift.
A wedding- who doesn’t love weddings? ( well, me- someone who is exhausted mind and soul and had to cry in the bathroom a few times to keep it together) – Being a creative God he allowed me to be loved ON by my husbands family (they are some of the most kind people I have ever met)
He allowed me to witness and be apart of two people he called to come together. He showed me he was still alive and involved in the lives of those around me.
He then allowed me to go hear a preacher that has only been one of words for many years of my youth. I have read countless books by this man and out of no where there he was- in town and me of all people was going to be able to hear him preach (he is retired ladies and gentlemen, he told us this was the first time he was the pulpit since he retired).
So no doves didn’t burst in from the cathedral and all my woes disappear- but something miracuolous did happen. The Lord reminded me he is good.
He is good when we are not. He is good beyond my breaking heart for family, dear friends, disappointments and fears. He is good beyond us.
We all have places that ache, that need a warm bath and tight hug. Places that make us well to the brim with tears and seasons that those salty drops flow. I pray that if you are in a rainy season or a stormy season that you fight Satan and yourself with Truth.
That we fight together.
That we look for the miraculous in the ordinary. That its not another wedding, another sunday morning, another cup of tea, that its reflection of a greater- deeper- life giving, oh this precious life, breath.