Change is coming and i am not as good at this process as many i know… the sound of ocean waves would be so good right now. Any water really, my fingers and toes covered with cold baptism… now that would be antidote….
There has been lonely days here, days full of worry and and overwhelming tides of emotion. My fella is full. I am full. He is about to turn his world upside down for us…again… he is worried. We are two fearful hearts living in a space that can’t seem to communicate the same truth to one another. He is pacing and eating oreos like the sugar will wash away his worry. Quick to anger and lashing out.. over puppies of all things last night. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are textbook cases of what i will call ” Stress Mess.”
Logistics stress him out, perhaps that is why we are good together. I can do the details in my sleep, it brings me peace to crunch numbers and work out the details, generally I post-pone setting details and plans as an omage to him. My line to others is always “we will get back to you..” Truthfully I mean that my fella will wrap his mind around the task and take several days to make up his mind… I should probably change my line to.. ” When he sorts it out then we will decide.” Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for his deliberation, his precision.
This time, this change, I have joined my fella, I think ignoring the details and drowning in Trader Joes Jo-Jos is a perfectly acceptable option.
How do you deal with change? How do you sort out the jagged parts?
This time, I am running away, I have run into a world of day dreaming, long bubble baths and too much netflix. My brain has not decompressed from this whirlwind of the past few years. I am stuck, lost in my mind, thoughts.. then feeling guilty for being so self absorbed
Perhaps that is why I write, to organize the chaos …. what do you do to organize your chaos?
When all else fails, if your a Type A lady, you make a list! Feel free to join me or check out as I attempt to sort it out…
1. Im a PA-C, i guess the tears in my eyes currently are reminding me that I didn’t actually think this would happen.
2. My fella is my hero, he is going to quit his job and pick up his career and just plop it where the opportunity opened for me. This also makes me feel immensely guilty… will be the second time he is uprooted his life for me and it makes me feel like he deserves better.
3. He is going to do great, we are not moving to the sahara, he is going to have so many opportunities. I just know its hard for him to leave, he loves it here west of the blue ridge.
4. When to move? Where to move? How much to spend every month on apt? Could we expand our family to include a furry friend?
5. Turns out I accidentally landed an adjunct professor job and absolutely LOVE encouraging young PA students.
6. I am carrying a dark burden that has haunted me for years, South Africa. I can’t pack up this experience and digest it. Its a cloud that looms like a brewing thunderstorm that is ever on the horizon. It makes me feel like I can’t connect with those I love and has made talking about feelings.. oh those pesky things… harder and harder. Like a sentinel node, this part of my history is something Im running from and am afraid it keeps me from being transparent with the ones I care about.
7. My fella needs an encourager, a cheerleader and first mate and I am a disengaged zombie of thoughts that weeps.
8. I want to trust my Father, that He has a plan for prosperity but there is a gypsy spirit in me that feels lost, wandering.
9. This next year, the whole premise of this change… well is scary. I am doing the very thing that EXCITES and SCARES me the most, surgery. My peace about my decision waxes and wanes… are there ever any simple life decisions?
10. I am also immensely humbled that I will get such an opportunity to grow at such a renown trauma institution. I want to lean-in, say YES to the doors that are opening and praise my Father for giving me the feet to walk through those doors.
I am self conscious to write this post for it is raw. I don’t want to be considered selfish or melodramatic….I don’t know what people will think after reading this jibberish. It is not neat and tidy and a package of plans that my father-in-law requests. Its not a grandiose journey of dreams come true, but rather a young woman trying to find her sea-legs in life and love. I hope you can relate you beautiful people….